Saturday, August 01, 2009

Swine flu

This swine flu is driving me crazy. I used to take pride in not washing my hands when I went for a piss. But now the UK government is telling me I might die if I don't wash my hands. Normally, I would relieve my self and give a dirty finger to the powers that be, however I have had a life changing experience, so I am now washing my hands all the time, not because I am worried about swine flu, but because I have been fucked in the brain.

Around the time of Burns night we were in the "three judges" pub in Glasgow. In the toilet there was some tape loop "telling us to wash our hands", that I decided to ignore. Two days later I was drinking a beer while I was on the Internet. Suddenly I found that I needed to throw up and go for a very wet shit. This set the tone for the weekend: puke, shit and watch TV. I couldn't face solid food at all on Saturday. What was worse that my body felt repulsed by beer. I have had periods when I have been ill with some plague before.. I just watch TV and sweat it out. This time seemed different, why did I now hate my good friend beer so much. I thought I had food poisoning from eating a burger from a van.

Sunday started the same as Saturday. I didn't know what was happening. On Saturday I thought the problem was food poisoning. I struggled out to the local shop to get ice cream, soup, and yogurt. It must gave been after my tenth shit of the day. I was sitting on the toilet, thinking "so this is what it means to have shit for brains", when it struck me that I had been genetically modified. Why else would I hate beer? I did have some clues though. I did watch a number of programs about Darwin. It seemed to fit, because the Scottish goverment was always trying to stop people drinking.

Anyway if you are thinking that this post has a lot of cuss words, I would humbly like to point out that the newspapers are claiming that swine flu is going to wipe out a large segment of the population, so you want to prioritize your indignation you stupid c**t.

On reflection I think my weekend of vomiting was due to some "winter vomiting illness." Say what you will, but at least these new CIA designed diseases, burn out in a couple of days.